A recent New York Times piece pointed out that "more hospitals and medical businesses in many states are adopting strict policies that make smoking a reason to turn away job applicants, saying they want to increase worker productivity, reduce health care costs and encourage healthier living ... The new rules essentially treat tobacco like an illegal narcotic. Applications now explicitly warn of 'tobacco-free hiring,' job seekers must submit to urine tests for nicotine and new employees caught smoking face termination."
All of which is not a good sign if you're smoker, nor is it a good sign if you indulge in other unhealthy activities. And, as new rules like these tend to spread like the plague from one industry to another, it won't be long before banks, accounting firms, and other finance employers are infected with these types of tobacco-free standards as well.
To that end, I've recently uncovered an actual applicant questionnaire that a particular medical company (which will remain anonymous) now administers to each of its applicants. And so, if I were you, I'd put down the whiskey, Camel and cheesecake, and give these Qs a glance, because soon, you might find yourself coming face to face with them.
XXXXXXXX & CO., INC. APPLICANT QUESTIONNAIRE
Please answer all of the below questions as honestly as you can, and as fast as you can without breaking a sweat. Afterward, please urinate in the attached cup. Good luck!
1. Do you drink coffee? If so, how do you take it?
2. What would you say is your typical breakfast?
3. How many miles would you say, on average, you run before 8 a.m?
4. How many gyms do you belong to?
5. How many years have you been practicing yoga? Which types? Who are your teachers? What are their lineages?
6. How many push-ups can you do in five minutes?
7. How many pull-ups can you do in four minutes (please include answers for wide-arm, close-arm and one-arm)?
8. How many varsity letters did you earn in high school? College?
9. What is your pulse at rest? When working on deadline?
10. How many apples do you eat per day?
11. Is quinoa a regular part of your diet? Acai?
12. Have you eaten pasta in the past year? Bread other then nine-grain?
13. Have you ingested more than 26 grams of either saturated or unsaturated fat in one day in the past decade?
14. How many marathons have you run in under three hours and thirty minutes?
15. How many triathlons have you competed in? Ironmans?
16. Has anyone in your family, or anyone you know, or anyone you've ever walked passed, or anyone you've ever heard of, or anyone whose book you've ever read, or anyone you've ever glanced at even just once on the street ever taken even just once in their lifetimes, even if they didn't inhale, one small, tiny, itsy-bitsy puff of a cigarette?
17. How many martial arts do you practice?
18. How many spin classes have you attended in the past week?
19. Have you eaten cheese during the past three years? Have you ever eaten cheese (mozzarella included)? If give the choice between eating cheese and a slow, painful death, which would you choose?
20. What's your best time in the 1500-meter freestyle?