Tonight, in the 667th GOP debate in the past five months, the remaining Republican presidential candidates (Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, and Mitt Romney) will be on hand in Mesa, Arizona, to give us yet another glimpse into the inner workings of the greatest political minds in America. And, earlier today, in anticipation of what's sure to be an extremely heated contest, Mitt Romney unveiled his latest plans concerning the personal tax rate.
According to Mitt, if elected, he'll make an across-the-board 20 percent cut in the personal tax rate that will include lowering the top rate from 35 percent to 28 percent. Which, of course, should peak the interest of those in the highest tax brackets in the U.S. (bankers, lawyers, consultants, Barack Obama, Mark Zuckerberg, etc.). But that's not all Mitt will reveal tonight. It's also been leaked that he'll be giving Americans a primer on the private equity industry (in which he made his fortune), revealing his investment plans for a handful of iconic New York City businesses. Here's a sneak peak:
Mitt’s plan: Change the company's name to McStretch or Connecticut Yoga. Limit classes to three postures: the Quarter Stretch, Half Twist, and Mack Daddyasana. Franchise to New Hampshire and Iowa (“They’ll buy anything.”). In year four, turn up the heat and pawn off to that crazy hot yoga guy for a handsome profit.
Union Square Farmers’ Market
Mitt’s Plan: Fewer low-margin items (such as fruits and vegetables). Include cheaper, non-organic section. More frozen foods and fried chicken. More microwavable items. Duplicate concept in every green space in the five boroughs. In year five, go public, enlisting Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley as co-lead underwriters.
The New York Mets
Mitt's Plan: Move the team from Queens to Brooklyn. Partner with Jay-Z ("We boyz!"). Hold games indoors at the Barclays Center. Shorten right- and left-field fences to 225 feet when Mets are at-bat. Give fans making over $200,000 a year a break on hot dogs and beer. Pay college grads minimum wage to hawk Brooklyn Mets gear door-to-door. In year three, sell to Zuckerberg, just after sweeping the Yankees in the Series.
Mitt's plan: Fire entire staff. Close store and turn into giant warehouse. Buy domain name "Strandazom.com" and undercut main competitor by a nickel on every product. After record-setting IPO, rub it in Bezo’s face, buying first- and second-quarter Super Bowl ad space for the following spot:
TALKING BABY IN DIAPERS: Rick, what’re the top two booksellers?
RICK PERRY: That’s easy. Strandazom is number one, and number two is … um …
TALKING BABY IN DIAPERS: And what’s number two, Rick?
RICK PERRY: Strandazom is number one, and number two is … um … shoot, I forget … oops.
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