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by Derek Loosvelt | December 10, 2010


What is BlackRock? Is it a punk band from the early 1980s? A small, dark stone good for skipping in a lake? A financial services firm like Goldman Sachs but less vampire squid-like?

Is Larry Fink, the BlackRock CEO, jealous of Lloyd Blankfein? What still "gnaws" at Larry after all these years? Is a job at BlackRock better than a job at Goldman Sachs? Has your Aunt Betty heard of BlackRock? Would you care if she hasn't? Does Larry Fink care if she hasn't? Are you uncomfortable with talking about your Aunt Betty?

Why does Larry Fink think the economy is like Nike? Is it because it stinks like an old running shoe worn for years without socks? Because it's shaped like a swoosh? Is Fink really the king of the nerds? Is king of the nerds an elected position? Are there term limits? Does Fink really aspire to do anything else, such as serve his country as a top-ranking economic advisor, or is he simply happy to continue to collect $16 million a year for overseeing the largest asset management firm in the world?

Who do you think made more money last year: Fink or Blankfein?

Is it true that BlackRock is Uncle Sam's right-hand firm when it comes to figuring out what to do with all those pesky toxic assets? Where are the toxic assets being dumped? If I told you in your backyard would you actually go around back and have a look? If you don't have one, is having a backyard something you desire? If so, have you ever thought about the amount of money you would have to spend each year on gasoline in order to propel a lawnmower?

Is it important to you that your firm be well liked by the President of the United States? Or that the CEO of your firm has a father who has read Ulysses, Moby Dick, Don Quixote and In Search of Lost Time? Have you read a book for pleasure in the past year? If so, did you underline any passages? Do you prefer yellow highlighters over green highlighters? How many binder clips would you say you've used in the past three months?

When was BlackRock founded? Is it true that BlackRock and Blackstone are kissing cousins? Who kissed whom first? Would you rather have a beer with Schwarzman or Fink? Do you think light beer is for sissies? Overpriced? If I told you that the biggest deal BlackRock ever did was hatched at a New York Yankees game would you then say, No way!? Would you mind if I then said, Way!?

Why is the Fed giving BlackRock $120 million? Is BlackRock really going to make $2 billion this year? Did BlackRock's stock rise by 1,110 percent since going public in 1999 or do you think I just made that up? If you believe the former, are you right now pretty darn pissed that you didn't invest? Would you believe that Goldman's stock only rose by 200 percent over the same period? Are you right now thinking you should have put a few of your chips on GS as well? Have you ever won more than $100 on a single blackjack bet? If so, how freaking awesome does that feel?

What does GE have to do with BlackRock? How about a breakout of an Asian flu pandemic? Are you afraid of pandemics? The flu? Do you believe in receiving an annual flu shot? How many times a day, on average, would you say that you shake another human being's hand? Would you like to shake Larry Fink's hand? Would he like to shake yours?



Filed Under: Finance

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