| Topic Name: |
Romance in the Air |
| Message Name: |
Strange but true |
| Date Posted: |
05/20/2000 |
| In Reply To: |
You raise several fundamental issues. There's no question that some office romances are less acceptable than others from a coworker and management perspective (although they continue to happen). Your written situation involves two lawyers (let's say they're litigators), small firm, boss/subordinate, and we could add in that one or both are married. This is one extreme. On the other hand, we could have two coworkers, both single, who work for a large entertainment/movie studio in different buildings and locations, and ran into each other at the supermarket. Most of us fall in between these two examples--although, in fact, 80% of these relationships are between coworkers. We also need to keep in mind that these are relationships whereby the "introduction" comes from work, but that the relationship doesn't necessarily begin or end there (i.e., they become involved later after becoming friends, meet again when one's at another job, etc.).
As to the issue of favoritism in boss/subordinate involvements, most HR experts agree that favoritism concerns by coworkers is the major work problem in these relationships. I'd have them myself if I was a coworker and one of my associates was involved with the boss. Although sexual harassment concerns are cited if they break up, the prime problems that actually occur are the favoritism concerns you well identify. Successful couples go out of their way to handle this, by: (1) keeping their involvement non-public until one or the other has left for another firm (which happens more frequently than thought); (2) working with management (i.e., another partner evaluates the senior and junior persons); (3) doing nothing; (4) or the horror stories (which is the stereotype but not the usual experience by a long shot). Firms go all over the map when it comes to policies (or the lack there of) in handling boss/subordinate relationships, primarily depending on their climate and fear factor. However, there's no question that boss/subordinate relationships are controversial.
As to your feelings that "It's not worth it" and "Everyone gets hurt", I can relate to that although I don't necessarily agree. Some feel that way, but most people don't (according to the surveys). And as all of us generalize from our own experiences, I'm don't conclude that having an office relationship is good or bad for all of us, one way or the other. It depends on what people themselves have experienced and have concluded (however, I must add that one couple in a boss/subordinate relationship in a small architectural firm kept this quiet for three years and handled the favoritism problem, then married).
However, cupid strikes, no matter what policies a firm has in place or whether people support them or not. It's almost irrelevant whether I or anyone else believe that these relationships are good or bad. What's important is to recognize that these relationships occur, happen in the millions every year, and that firms need to have in place reasonable rules (and reasonable approaches) that recognize this fact of modern-day business life.
Thank you for your observations, and I appreciate your comments. Good luck with your career.
Dennis Powers, Moderator |
| Message: |
Okay, I'll agree that what I described is the extreme circumstance, but unfortunately it is what I experienced at my last job (as a senior associate bystander, not a participant -- well, only as a participant in the respect that I had to deal with fallout). The situation has ended happily for everyone, as the couple involved are now engaged and planning their wedding (instead of billing hours), I quit (not only for that reason but that played into it, along with the firm's attitude about the situation), and there are still favoritism issues being played out.
Do you wonder whether she'll make partner on the fast track? I don't. I can predict the outcome pretty easily.
Call me cynical.
I personally had a situation in which I was extremely attracted to a man who was an indirect subordinate (I was an attorney and he was a staff member in a mid-sized firm). I was with the firm for a couple of years, and we developed a friendship that was interlaced with this powerful sexual attraction and, yes, we never acknowledged it. When I left the firm we started seeing each other socially and were pretty serious for a couple of years. I absolutely believe that if you are a professional person you keep work and play separate. It's easy to say that love is the most important thing in our lives and so we should follow our hearts in this kind of situation, but even if you don't get personal satisfaction from your work I think it's important to consider how much time you spend there and ask yourself whether, if you don't live happily ever after with the person you're just dying to get together with (and even if you do, consider my first real life example), you want to deal with the fall out from the break up (or the extra effort involved in keeping things on an even keel with the rest of your subordinates) while you're on the job.
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