| Topic Name: |
On The Beach at KPMG |
| Message Name: |
K-boy Goes to KPMG Training |
| Date Posted: |
03/05/2001 |
| Message: |
Last week I had a long talk with my Performance Manager for my Performance Review. Apparently, Spider Woman has been talking about me behind my back. He informed me that even though my evaluations were stellar when I was on an engagement, my utilization would still negatively affect my performance ratings.(um excuse me, and how is this my fault?) He wanted to know if there was anything he could do. Well for one, put the crack pipe down, I've been on the beach for 3 months now, you can find me a freakin engagement!! His big suggestion was that I use this time to fulfill my KPMG "training" requirements for the year.
Now for those of you in other consulting firms KPMG "training" is a little different. It's based on a highly advanced web-centric learning environment model. I got myself trained in the brand new (and in very high demand I might say) Internet 102 skill set. Now I can become an e-Commerce professional like our fearless leader Rand, or is it Rod, I always forget which one left. Anyhow, it's really hard, because you have to keep two browser windows open at the same time in order to be able to find the answers to the multiple choice questions at the end. Then like halfway through it (It takes about a week) it forgets all my scores! I wonder how much DigitalThink is charging us for this? Well I'm sure it doesn't matter because they will need a consultant eventually and you know what we at KPMG say: "He who screws last, screws best!" (oh shut up, we could be saying that!) Anyhow now that I am fully trained in...uh...the Internet, I should have no problem getting on an engagement. The only thing is, where do I put this...uh..."skill"...on my resume?
I was at Cheesecake Factory the other day. Boy do they have a good racket going. I don't know why but it seems like no matter many cities I travel to I somehow end up at that place!(that and PF Changs) The teriyaki chicken totally rocks by the way. You know how there is this 2 hour wait there, well I met this total hottie Asian chick named Ann, from Accenture and her ugly friend. ('Sup Ann? I told u I was K-boy!) Ok, now all you Accenture peeps out there, Is the attitude really necessary? I mean I know your company is better than ours, (You have the Shark made of fish ads which unless you're dropping acid you can't help but see everywhere and we have a broccoli stalk ad which everyone skipped over without noticing in Forbes last year) but is it really necessary to make us aware of that at all times?
I also want to share with everyone my K-boy Tip-O-Da-Week - Safe Surfing:
Many of your companies are tracking your web usage, so I found this nifty new site called safeweb(dot)com which lets you browse anonymously through their site. Let the porn and daytrading begin!
Ok, well I need to go. Thanks for all the cool messages of support. Till next time kids.
Asta-Lavista,
K-boy
P.S. I got a temporary email account at kboy@coolshit.com so you can send me fan email...or your consulting problems and I'll try to resolve them for you. Just like Dear Abby!
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