| Topic Name: |
"Big Technology Annoucement" ? |
| Message Name: |
New BE Tech Soloutions |
| Date Posted: |
02/07/2006 |
| In Reply To: |
Reduce turnover by preventing people from surfing monster.com and saving resume.doc on BE computers. |
| Message: |
The new 'technology advancement' could be any number of things.
1) An Email monitor that scans outgoing e-mails. This scanner looks for 'consulting' lanuage and 'bullshit' that people e-mail to their clients. The more bullshit e-mails you send out containg lots of buzzwords and fluff the higher your raise will be in the new year.
2) Keystroke application to monitor if you post friendly posts to Vault/Yahoo. If they find you are pumping and defending you'll score 'points' that can be traded in for BE swag in the BE store.
3) Webcams so they can see if you are actually sitting at your desk and billing. It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you are filling the chair. Note, this will need work as during testing as the software could not distingwish between a cardboard cutout and a real person.
4) RadioBE that is used to 'train' and 'promote' BE values. The programming will be done in similar styles as Mao, 1940's Germany, and Hamas.
5) A special device derived from Area 51 that will be attached to your laptop. This device will further suck your life force and give it to the CXO's and board of govenors.
6) The MD's get a special program called "Create a MA". Similar to the Create a Character found in many videogames. MD's can create minons to pump up their fragile egos. Alternatively they can create "Potential Trophy Wives" to pump something else. This is only the first phase as the second phase is to create android replecas of these employees. (more Area51 technology is required)
7) Finally, although this is highly unlikely. A new application that will help everyone track their time. Although Quicken was looked at, it was found to be TOO complicated. The Trophy wives and MD's couldn't understand the application. Alternatives that were put forward were ether paper based or via a MS Access application. The new application is web based using the latest HTML codes and creates flat files that will be used to track projects.
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