In Uber Bowl, Employees Crush CEO

The first ever Uber Bowl was a heated contest that came down to the wire, and, in the end, the Uber employees prevailed over Uber CEO Travis Kalanick.

The first quarter began with a fumble, when Kalanick gambled with a long pass on a blown coverage, but the ball was dropped (the firm sent out what appeared to be an insensitive tweet). This angered the Uber employees, as well as the crowd in attendance (200,000 of which headed for the exits, shouting "Delete Uber!" on the way out).

In the second quarter, Kalanick played tough defense, trying to make up for that first-quarter mistake. He went long (tweeted) again and, though the pass was completed (it was much more sensitive than that initial tweet), it didn't get him enough yards for a first down and he was forced to punt.

At the half, it was all tied up, but the Uber employees seemed to have gained the momentum.

Which proved to be the case as the third quarter began. The Uber employees came out hard in the second half, running it down Kalanick's throat (in an all-hands meeting, the Uber employees demanded that Kalanick tell them why he needed to remain all cozied up with Commissioner Trump). Kalanick replied with a solid drive, moving the ball on the ground and in the air (telling his employees that it's better to cozy up with the Commish than to not talk to him altogether). Unfortunately, the tactic didn't work, Kalanick was forced to punt again, and the third quarter ended with the Uber employees in command of the game.

Middway through the fourth quarter, the Uber employees pulled out a trick play that put the game out of reach (they composed a 25-page Google doc telling Kalanick why he needed to get out of bed with the Commish, while mentioning that their friends, relatives, and bodega owners thought them to be working for a soulless company). To say the least, Kalanick was unprepared for the trick play, and the outcome was disastrous for him.

Making matter worse, on his next possession, Kalanick was backed up on his own one-yard line, and when the Uber employees brought the blitz on third down, he was forced to take a knee in the end zone (he decided he'd step down from Commish Trump's economic advisory group, conceding that it wasn't going to work out, as the relationship looked pretty bad for his employees and for his customers).

As the seconds ticked down in the game, and the Uber employees began to celebrate, dousing themselves with green juice (instead of Gatorade), it became clear that, in a league in which Commish Trump is the presiding force, all CEOs better beware of their employees, who, when they band together, can be a monumental force to be reckoned with.