New Year's Resolutions for BigLaw Associates

The first week of 2011 is coming to an end, but you law firm associates have been too busy billing your lives away to come up with useful resolutions. No need to worry though – I’m here to help. Just follow the list of resolutions below for another year of law firm bliss.

1.I resolve never to make dinner plans more than three hours in advance, and even then, I won’t make them before 9 pm. I can’t risk losing the three friends I have by constantly canceling on them.
2.I resolve to duct-tape my blackberry to my hand while I sleep so that I am never more than an arm’s length away from that plastic leash. Tucking it under the pillow is so 2010 – I could roll over and inadvertently turn it off (and what if I didn’t get the partner’s email at 4 am, huh? HUH?).
3.I resolve to stop trying to have a love life. Instead, I’ll upgrade my cable with the Lifetime Movie Network and order a membership to the chocolate-of-the-month club. Lifetime doesn’t send me irate text messages after I bail out of three consecutive dates, and chocolates never give me that soul-crushing sigh when a last-minute assignment ruins plans. Nope. They’re both just sweet satisfaction waiting for me after 14 hours of document review.
4.I resolve to stop buying an unlimited monthly MetroCard. The 2 am car service is not just luxurious but it also saves me a return trip on the subway.
5.I resolve to remove the tropical wallpaper from my desktop and replace it with a picture of my apartment. I’ve had to reschedule my last two vacations - I’ll be lucky if I can take a day trip to my dentist’s office this year (at least I’ll get a free toothbrush). And for the amount of money I’m spending on my pad, I may as well see it for more than an hour a day.

Happy 2011!