U.S. Senate vs. Lloyd Blankfein: Yesterday's Main Event on C
Published: Apr 28, 2010
As the bell rang and Lloyd came darting out of his corner with his prepared statement, one thing became immediately clear: the dude needs some voice lessons. Lloyd, a former trader, possesses a piercing, high-pitched voice, and his tone comes off as whiny at best (in Lloyd's defense, the Journal pointed out that former Goldman CEO Hank Paulson is an even poorer public speaker). After Lloyd's powerless punch, Senator Levin began jabbing away with those "sh!tty deals" and "crap" as he'd done in earlier bouts on the day's card, wondering how Goldman's salesmen could pitch such "junk." Lloyd came back swinging with an uppercut (we sell nice securities and not so nice securities and that's our job, you ignorant moron) but Levin wasn't hurt. Still, Levin didn't like the tone of Lloyd's punch, nor did he much enjoy Lloyd's repeated blows to his kidneys (whiny lectures on what market makers do). Levin replied with a solid hook (I wouldn't touch anything you're selling with Senator's Tester's 10-foot pole) and then the bell rang, both fighters went to their respective corners, and out of nowhere came Senator McCain.
A little slow on the draw, McCain started shuffling his feet to warm up and then threw an encouraging jab (why'd you need TARP?) and another (what about the little community banks?). Lloyd blocked both but appeared to be a bit stunned, though perhaps he was simply confused, and soon McCain disappeared into the corner he came out of but not before throwing a solid left after the bell (getting Lloyd to admit that he and his GS crew are rolling in dough while McCain's buds are homeless and broke).
Senator Kaufman spelled McCain in the next round, stepping back into the ring where he and Lloyd circled each other for some time, both throwing punches that didn't land (Kaufman: you knew the market was tanking, you shorted the farm; Lloyd: we ain't that smart, dude). The dancing went on for some time until Kaufman decided he couldn't catch the wily Lloyd and threw a phantom right into the air on his way out of the ring (you bastards made a bundle and that pisses me off!).
Dr. Coburn was back at it for the Senators in the next round and immediately brought out a fierce left hook (Congress is to blame for the crisis because we didn't regulate you stinking outlaws!) and he didn't let up, bringing it to Lloyd in what was nearly called a TKO, hitting the CEO with a series of lefts (why did you release Fab Fab's personal emails and no one else's?) and rights (you're hanging Frenchie out to dry, we all know it). Lloyd put his arms over his face (stammering and stuttering over his words) and luckily was saved by the bell.
Charging out of her corner came Senator McCaskill and she tried to keep the heat on Lloyd with a nice combination (synthetic CDOs sound like dog poop to me) but Lloyd wasn't fazed. So out came Senator Tester and he threw one of his wild hooks that he'd been tossing around all day (it's all just a scam this gambling trading thing y'all do!).
Lloyd was obviously fatigued as he stumbled out for the final round. Levin looked like the 10-plus hours of fighting had gotten to him as well—but that didn’t keep the Senator from bringing the blows. Levin went low, working Lloyd's midsection (explain to me this whole AIG bull: just how did you get 100 cents on the dollar?). Lloyd was ready for these punches and ducked and dodged (hate the game not the playa). Levin was confused but miraculously still on his feet and feeling stronger than ever. With the bout in its final few seconds, Levin went in for a final few blows (what about this email? and this one? and again: how can you live with yourself, you sold "sh!tty" deals and then bet against them!). Lloyd, hurting but not bleeding, tired but still standing, put up his hands (true true, but it's not against the law, Carl) and waited for the bell to save him.