Goldman Sachs Announces New CEO

by Derek Loosvelt | April 01, 2010

You knew a big move was coming sooner or later inside the investment bank everyone loves to throw the book of hate at as of late, and apparently this column in the New York Times by Andrew Ross Too Big To Fail Sorkin was the one that broke the vampire squid's back.

Sidd Finch

Today, after the column went live, Goldman Sachs' board of directors called a double-secret emergency meeting on a bare beam thirty-four floors above ground inside the firm's still-in-construction new Manhattan headquarters (hardhats required) and deliberated for just four minutes and forty-four seconds, deciding to replace current chief Lloyd Not Doing So Blankfein with a man named Sidney Fincher, a relatively unknown financier with a penchant for wearing yak-fur hats and just a single wing tip.*

In other news, Bank of America is boosting headcount overseas, particularly in emerging markets, hoping to expand operations outside the U.S. and create a world banking power. Bobby McCann, the new head of UBS Wealth Management Americas, has given great green hope to his brokers by shaving support staff, forming a leaner and meaner money-making machine. And last but definitely not least, hedge fund manger$ killed it last year.

*For more fiction, check out these five credit-crunch-related novels, reviewed in the Times Online.

Filed Under: Finance


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